a pimple? or squamous cell carcinoma?

During a recent nonsmoke break from work, i came across a book entitled something like "the neurotics guide to life." I quickly turned to the chapter on health-related issues and was completely entranced. What I was reading described my thinking (worrying) patterns to a tee. For example, it listed common health issues/concerns and what the neurotic mind is thinking:

headache=brain tumor
headache and stiff neck=definitely meningitis
heartburn=don't even think about it, a heart attack is around the corner
bruising=hemophilia (forget about the fact that it's a rare disorder, especially for females)

Now, what I'm not sure about is if this is a good thing (i.e., how crazy could i be if my thoughts are so common that they are written up in this tongue and cheek novelty book on neurosis) or rather if i should take this as an indication that i have a real, diagnosable disorder (and, no comments allowed from rob or my therapist!).

i'll leave it at that before I'm committed, plus I need to go google shooting pain in left arm and blurry vision....

To Sofia: As you turn one

as you turn one i'm awed at what an amazing gift you are to me
as you turn one i'm filled with excitement over what tomorrow will bring us, but i'm already melancholy for the days of babyhood and cuddling
as you turn one i can't get enough of you, you make me laugh all day long
as you turn one i'm touched by how much you adore your daddy, smiling the widest smile imaginable every time he even looks at you

as you turn one you still love to read and listen to music (and you especially love to hear mommy sing out of key versions of Hush Little Baby and the Wheels on the Bus)
as you turn one you are intent on chasing Hornsby around the house, much to his chagrin
as you turn one you're just starting to eat real food--good thing, because your daddy was fearing that you'd be eating pureed peas in your college dorm
as you turn one you've become quite a mover and a shaker, you're a figedty little thing (especially during diaper changes), adventurous and constantly on the go
as you turn one, thankfully, you still have time to stop for a quick hug-hug and kiss-kiss

as you turn one i couldn't possibly love you more than i do, you are my precious girl, my blueberry muffin, my monkey, my heart

[Inspired by a blogger (stefanierenee.net) who is much more poignant than i]

Goodnight Moon: Keeping it real

so I'm being lazy again, and not writing a new post per se' but rather posting something from another website. And apologies to those who don't have young children who happen to have Goodnight Moon in their current bedtime reading rotation. But, for those of you who do, here's some helpful advice from rookiemoms.com on how to make goodnight moon a bit more interesting.

Things to notice during your next reading of Goodnight Moon:

The bunny is in a different position in bed each time the bed is pictured.
The mouse is in a different location on each page.
The clocks advance in time as the moon’s position changes.
How many of the words in this book do you know in another language? Test yourself and brag to your baby. “Luna!” “Cama!” “Conejo!”.
The light and dark areas of the pages vary.
Is this a living room or a bedroom? Or… a studio apartment? Where’s the kitchen? Who made that mush? Think about it.

Happy Reading!

Shopzilla

So, I'm trying to write more than one post a month, as seems to have been my trend the past 3 months. But, is it a cop-out to have a post entirely made up of links to other websites? I think not, and especially when it comes to shopping links, who can resist! Here are a few of my faves for baby items:


Cool Mom Picks: they find it, you flaunt it
Pokkadots: Making little people happy
Uncommonly Cute: Cause your baby is way beyond cute
AGBella: Unique designs for distinctive tastes
Teacups and Tadpoles: Classic treasures for your stylish little ones

Letting go

When i was pregnant, i promised myself that i wouldn't take motherhood for granted. i thought that simply by virtue of the fact that I had experienced a heartbreaking 24 week pregnancy loss that i would never be one of those giddy, unappreciative, unaware, unthankful parents. in my typical wallow in self-pity fashion i envisioned myself becoming a mother but always holding on defensively to the pain of my loss (wearing it like a coat of armor), identifying myself as a mother but making sure i didn't let anyone forget what i had been through. I thought "sure, i'm a mother, but it didn't come easily and i won't let the universe forget it." I thought that i'd be able to parent and still hold on to some of the same platitudes I'd always told myself that had allowed me to remain defensive and stuck in the pain of my past: "You have to suffer to be of service," "You have to earn your place on the planet," "How could you be having such a good time, when something bad might be happening right now (or soon) to your child and she may need you"

But i think i can say that thankfully i am slowly letting go. and, although i say thankfully, deep down i still wonder if maybe there is a way to let go but still maintain some of what i was hoping to take from my experience such as a greater empathy for those who are infertile or experience loss, or a greater sensitivity to the pain and the sorrow and the range of emotions (jealousy of pregnant friends) that are involved.

i remember my dr telling me "you will have a healthy baby, and when you do you will treasure it more than most women because it will be such a gift." i don't know if i treasure it more than most, but i most definitely do treasure it and embrace it for all it has to offer. and if that means sometimes losing myself in sofias guttural giggles as i blow on her stomach, or forgetting for moments or days that i ever suffered the pain of a pregnancy loss then so be it. its hard for me...but sofias teaching me to let go.

my sunshine

you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray

On doing

I recently have come to the realization that I don't really do much of anything. I started thinking about all of the assorted people I know and all of the varied things they are involved in, take for instance, my neighbor who works, has a young child, plans dinner parties, makes soup, jogs, plays racketball, gardens...you get the picture. And then there is my coworker who has two young children and works, cares for her kids, has dates out with her husband, is in two bookclubs, goes to plays..you get the picture. and then there is me. I think about doing stuff and make grandiose plans that I'm going to change and become organized, energized, etc.. but I don't really do much more than worry, watch television, try and get more than 4 hours of sleep, worry, read about worrisome child-related or just general medical stuff on the internet and look up random statistics on the internet (did you know that individuals who get 4 or less hours of sleep a night are 3 times more likely to die in the next 6 years compared to those who sleep greater than 4 hours; or how about the fact that of the more than 3 million entries in an online ESPN march madness pool only four -- that's right, four -- picked a Final Four including Florida, George Mason, LSU and UCLA before the tournament started.) And honestly, I don't think I can blame this on motherhood, I pretty much did nothing even before I had a baby.

Todays thought for the day comes from author Ariel Gore from her essay "Children Need Interesting Mothers:"

We need time to ourselves, moments of awareness, connections, meaningful work. We need cheap art, good sex, nights at the bowling alley and days at the beach. We need good coffee, hearty meals, lush gardens and time to relax and enjoy our lives without worrying so much that we are good enough mothers or skinny enough girlfriends or wives. We need to take care of ourselves so that we can mother our children soulfully and lead lives worth living."

If I was do something, i'd like to think it would be one or more of the things she mentions, but nah, who am I kidding, I'll probably always be a thinker (read: worrier) as opposed to a doer.